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2022 Man of Year: Cartel Monkey

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John Kasich, the pancake-crusher John Kasich, and others have dubiously attributed President Truman’s popular “If you want to be a friend in Washington get a dog” slogan. Although it’s not clear if Harry actually said that, this year we discovered that a spider monkey is a good choice if Harry was a hitman for a Mexican drug cartel and looking for a pet to ride with him.

Authorities made an astonishing discovery after a shootout between Mexican federales with the La Familia Michoacana drugs cartel in June that resulted in 11 deaths. The corpses of a small primate were found wrapped around his also deceased drug-trafficking master. His name was El Chango.

La Familia Michoacana may have their drug manufacturing labs in jungle, but it is not a monkey business. It’s a serious endeavor that requires everyone to be properly attired, ready for a fight at any time. El Chango was no exception.

The camouflage jacket and bulletproof vest were worn by the victim. A diaper was also found on the body. There are no reports that the diaper was stained. It’s ape-solutely safe to assume a brave soul like El Chango remained continent when the bullets started flying like the final scene in Scarface.

Graphic images taken by a El Chango who was killed



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